It’s been 11 years since Mom has passed away. But God has been good and has blessed our family in more ways than we could have ever imagined. God used my mom to bring others to Him (before, during and after her fight with cancer) and even 11 years later, God uses her for His glory. Big shoes to fill but what a wonderful legacy to leave our family.

11 years ago, during the last few weeks of Mom’s fight with cancer, she started to write in a journal. She only wrote a few entries but powerful ones nonetheless. They are personal thoughts but nothing that she wouldn’t have shared.

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September 20, 2000

Isaiah 41: 10, 13 (NCV)
10 So don’t worry, because I am with you. Don’t be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you.
13 I am the Lord your God, who holds your right hand, and I tell you, ‘Don’t be afraid. I will help you.’

This is the most awesome experience I have with the Lord.  One assurance that He is holding me in time of fear and pain. I hold onto His promise every time I have my radiation. Moving me back and forth on a hard board is very painful and of course the fear of what I will feel. He makes me strong all the way. Everytime I go for testing, this is what I’m holding on to. He holds me with His right hand and I always ask Him to cover me with His blood.
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Last Monday (a week ago), I went to a post-op appointment expecting to be cleared for normal activities, only to walk away with a diagnosis of Endometrial Adenocarcinoma Grade 1 (Endometrial Cancer, no staging yet). There are no words to describe the blur and fear that overwhelm a person as you sit and try to listen to your doctor describe what pathology has found and what it means. I managed to drive to Toots’ work to tell him about our life changing news. I vaguely remember the blur as he drove me home and walked me to our bed. The rest of the day and any phone calls Toots made that afternoon is still a blur. Listening to Toots’ talk to my family and having to talk to Ethan and the kids is all a blur.

As I lay in bed that night in fear and panic and in the midst of reoccurring sonic boom nightmares (another post for another day), I found my mom’s journal. And the one and only thing that wasn’t a blur all day (all week really) was the verse she wrote. Isaiah 41: 10, 13. It stood out even louder than the sonic boom nightmare that kept me awake all night. God telling me to not be afraid. Mom reminding me to not worry.

My mom and I are  both stubborn and strong willed women, so I have a feeling she’s gonna teach me first hand what she meant by “This is the most awesome experience I have with the Lord.” even when she isn’t here and I really didn’t want to learn this way.

I am so grateful that God gave us a mother that loved Him and that prayed for us. I am so grateful that God has allowed my mom to be with me when I needed her the most, even 11 years after she’s gone.

11 years later, God is still using her….

So here we are waiting for what’s next. As I wait, I’m reminded ”So don’t worry, because I am with you. Don’t be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you.”

Am I afraid? Yes…

Am I worried? Sort of…

Would I want a different path for my family? Not sure…because after all, “This is the most awesome experience [Mom had] with the Lord”

Am I ready for what God has next? He’s holding my right hand even if I’m not…so here we go…